Wicked Little Machines

Captains and Cavalries forming empires in the shade of trees, without hesitation, we the King and Queen of the forest town were holding the ocean down. All the images and sounds, super imposing to old backgrounds. We used to be clumsy, lost in a thousand ways, Captivated by the craze, hold your hands down. Suspicion rose in our head It was only underneath the beds, Saline eyes didn't have to hide. They were always open way too wide, way too wide. Turn up the noise, dressed to the nines. 

Sharks Keep Moving

Sometimes I imagine I’m going to walk into a hotel elevator and meet someone during the trip to the lobby who will end up playing a role in the rest of my life. It’s as though the encounter is seconds away from willing itself into existence at any given moment, and had I a digital countdown, I could lean against the wallpaper and let the elevator doors open and close while I watch the second hand tick its way down to my rendezvous with destiny. On one hand, I’d have all the vernacular ammunition I’d ever need for a straight shot of eloquence, but to somehow convince myself that such a sacred encounter happening this way would be “theoretically ideal,” that would be like training my voice to speak with a harsh accent that hurts my ears. It’s not about destiny at all because Darth Vader ISN’T MY REAL DAD!!!!!!!1!! The bleakness of such a habitually forgetful/inattentive disposition unnerves me but it’s also what keeps me remembering where I am and what I’m supposed to be doing.

So in a way, musings like these have purpose. Or at least challenges I can benefit from.

Twenty years from now I imagine I’m going to feel like I missed out on something profoundly heartfelt when I look back on this pivotal scenario and the way it played out. Even if I loosen my grip long enough to steal an introspective moment out on the balcony, somehow I believe I’ll catch myself thinking, “I wish I’d been more assertive!” instead of idly letting life play out scene-by-scene in front of me. Maybe that’s just preconcerted apathy but my brain tends to harbor some deep-rooted necessity to keep reminding me that this fateful meeting could happen at any moment (and of course it could) but more importantly, that I be ready and waiting in the wings to handle it the way I’ve already anticipated.

It’s annoying but I’m so glad it doesn’t work like this. The caveat is that there’s NOTHING to be ANTICIPATED, or rather, it’s not my job to worry about it.

Call it the common dwellings of reticent people but at the end of the day, it’s all smoke and mirrors. My mind is a house standing against a background of sheltering trees that cannot protect it from every whip of wind that bends quasi-romantic intellectual faculties into deviations of straight lines; rigid projections of backbones that show signs of curving or arcing over time.

But I don’t worry about it.

But more than this, I’m deeply comforted to know that no amount of absentminded woolgathering can reconstruct “the plan” into something that I must practice or rehearse for, even if I wanted to. It will be unplanned, unpremeditated, extempore, unconstrained, unforced, and the thought becomes more beautiful the more I think about it (or perhaps the more I try not to).

Above and beyond all of this, I take great joy and comfort in knowing my Savior has it all blueprinted and planned down to the tiniest detail, and that my job isn’t to blubber and worry about the design — but to hush. To be concerned with the principles of morality, servanthood, discipleship and character, and ultimately, to trust.

For what is faith without trust?